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November 08, 2005
And that's all she wrote...
So it is absolutely official, I resigned from the Peace Corps (forced to resign, looks better on the resume) on Monday 7 November, 2005. I will be traveling for a brief time and coming home after a few months of travel. I will have a travel partner and in some cases travel partners. I will spend a little time here in Swaziland visitng other volunteers. Ellen I have looked into this and it's no more dangerous than me living here for two years. I am planning on travelling to places that intended on traveling to anyways while here, and it's places that current volunteers have gone to without problems. The Department of Defense must have thought it was safe enough to have PC offices in these countries. I have been given the thumbs up from the parental units, sorry ellen and camille. I am currently looking into emergency short term insurance, and plane ticket prices home. And I will also post my accomplishments letter that is given to PC. I really need this time here before I come home, consider it closuer to a bad relationship or just any relationship. It needs to be done and get to see part of the African continent while I am at it. Below I have attached the letter I wrote to the country director. It explains alot about the negative emotions and feelings I was going through and lack of support from the administrative office. She blew off the letter and said it was a waste of my breathe.
Nov. 6, 2005
Dear Patricia Austin, Country Director
I understand following our last conversation that it was your decision to administratively separate me due to Peace Corps policies that I violated. ALthough I respect your decision and admit that i did, in fact, break rules, I would like an opportunity to express to you in writing the extensive reasons behind my actions that resulted in me breaking certain rules. We have already tlaked about a lot of these reasons but I want to really spell it out for a few reasons. For one thing, I want to give my group of volunteers a accurate record of what took place (I will leave a copy of this letter with all of the VAC representatives as well as any other member of the group that requests it). Another reason is that I feel like my experience with trying to get effective support from the ofice really spotlights the lack of communication between staff members and how the volunteers suffer for these miscommunications. The last reason is more heartfelt--I do want to stay in the Peace COrps Swaziland program and I am hopeful that in the spirit of flexibility and a new commitment towards clear dialogue between the staff and volunteers that you may decide to reverse your decision.
It is clear from the recent IST conference that the staff wants us to feel that they are fully committed to helping the volunteers succeed and be safe, happy, and healthy. Unfortunately, it did not feel that way to me during our 3 month integration period especially in the beginning. I was dropped off at a site that quickly affected my mental health due to its lack of human prescence, constant homestead visitors looking for the mostly absent indvuna (my babe), no secure pit latrine, and residing in the same structure as bats and chickens. Nobody else lived on the homestead on a regular basis. I briefly met Xolin, my bhuti (brother), at the end of August while he was there for a few days during a school break. I had to asume that the administration knew what my site was like since the Peace Corps had obviously been there to establish the safety of the homestead and to install the burglar gate and window bars. It is not in my nature to complain so even though I felt very trapped and alienated I did not understand that my situation was unacceptable not only to me but also to the Peace Corps. I did become really depressed and in hindsight I know I scared fellow volunteers when they noticed my altered personality and extraordinary wieght loss. THe only way I really knew to feel comfortable and "like myself" was through visiting another volunteer who was my best friend from training. She provided a lot of well-needed support and I was able to resume my usual fun activities of instigating bomake water gun fights and climbing trees with kids. It was a flight mechanism and I understand that the Peace Corps cannot condone absence from site durin gthe first three months (especially without notification), I just want you to understand the motivation. I did talk to teh PM a fdw weeks into my stint in Mambane and told her I was going crazy (in those words) due to living by myself on a homestead. She told me Mahlubi would be out the following week but offered no short term advice or encouragement. Obviously that didn't help my mental health in the meantime. She also did not respond to my complaint in a sympathetic or encouraging manner which caused me to not want to contact her again. It is difficult to ask for help from people that you hardly know when you are depressed so I continued leaving site. When Mahlubi finally did come in early September he only stayed for a short time and he did not thoroughly examine the homestead. He told me to investigate options in my community on my own during CHAT. The PCMO later told me that he was completely wrong and that it is the job of the Peace Corps office to investigate and secure potential future homesteads. I'm sure you can imagine my confusion in this matter. I knew I needed to change homesteads but was left feeling like I couldn't trust any one Peace Corps employee to help me find an effective and timely solution. Interestingly, the next time that Mahlubi came to my site for the routine site visit, in early October, he finally noticed all of the commotion coming from the chickens that were under the same roof and he said he wanted me moved as quickly as possible and that the few weeks period was "not soon enough." He declined to actually look at the pit latrine (a couple of walls, no door, no roof), at my water source, or at the room in my structure in which the chickens resided.
Although I do not at all feel it was intentional, I do think that I slipped through the cracks of the Peace Corps medical office in terms of the above issues. I had sever insomnia, loss of appetite, extreme wieght loss, and feelings of helplessness and isolation. I talked to PSN representitives about it on many occassions. I also communicated to the PCMO that I would like to have her visit my site ASAP because there were so many issues I needed to talk to her about. The medical handbook clearly speels out that this is an option available to volunteers and I also know she had visited lots of other volunteers. Her visit was continually put off. Her reaction when I was finally pulled into the office for mental health monitoring was supportive but not comprehensive. I was surprised to be taken to her personal residence straight off the bat so that she could unpack groceries. When we got to the office we officially noted that I had lost around 20 lbs. In our discussion that follwed we discussed my homestead situation and my absences from site. We talked about how I flet depressed at site. She told me she wanted to keep me in Mbabane until Monday to talk about the issues further but that she would check in with me the next day. We chatted Sunday and she told me that she would call me on Monday to let me know when I should come into the office. I sat around Grifters all day and then finally buzzed her around 3:30PM. When she called back shd said, "We didn't forget about you, we didn't kick you to the curb yet." She didn't ask how I was doing mentally that day or anything about my health she simply told me that she and Pattie would not have time to talk to me until the next day first thing in the morning. I waited for an hour before I met with the PM and assistant PM and not the PCMO. ALthough she did greet me she did not inquire about my health although I was still in Mbabane under the pretense of mental health observation. We discussed my site issues and then I was sent to the volunteer lounge to type up what we discussed for my file. After completing the letter I waited around for awhile before the PM came back to let me know that they had ead the letter and were going to give it to the CD to read before we were to all meet to discuss the events. The CD made it clear that due to the absences from site that she could administratively separate me from the program but kindly gave me the chance to defend myself. At that point it became clear that she did not read the letter or been told about any of the problems that I was experiencing at site. She listened and decided to give me one more chance. At this time I did not really feel comfortable discussing the issue of my mental health and how it had played into my decisions.
At a subsequent meeting with the PCMO we agreed to have weekly phone "check-ups." Clearly this is not the same thing as being able to properly deal with my issues with a trained professional. I was never offered formal counseling or phone calls with O.S.S. Although I did not request these resources due to my lack of knowledge of their existence at the time, I know that I would have and would currently benefit from them. It quickly became apparent to me that weekly check-ins by phone were insufficient and that I did not feel comfortable getting into many of my issues with the PCMO. Eventually these calls petered out and then stopped. Even though the PCMO had discussed with me the fact that I felt depressed I still never got a site visit from her despite numerous requests. During my initial stint in Mbabane for observation we had set up a time for a site visit two weeks later. When I called the day before her visit to confirm, she told me that senior staff had determined that she should wait until the site change to conduct the visit. As of the writing of this letter the PCMO has still not visited my site although the homestead change occured Oct. 20. The fact that I was diven another chance without increasing my level of psychological support and observation is baffling in hindsight.
My mental health/depression has been remarkably better lately and I wish I could say it was manly due to support from the Peace Corps. However, it is my peers who helped my regain my former fun-loving personality and motivation. I admit that I did seriously consider whether I would be able to handle this program but realized that I still had strong resolve to stay with appropriate support. It would take a very unique and superhuman individual to be able to make it through the first three months feeling like they were alone both lierally (on the homestead) and by the Peace Corps administration.
Unfortunately I did leave my site one last time in order to help out the same friend who had helped me out so much. She heard about the death of a close family member the night before and I knew that she was really upset and lonely. My plan was to leave my site as early as possible, bring her a little care package of goodies to cheer her up as a surprise (she had no idea that I was coming), and return to my site before nightfall. It would have been a day full of grueling travel butwould not have been impossible and therefore I would not have been away from site overnight. My bus broke down and I ended up reaching her site much later than I had intended and I was unable to turn around. On top of that, I became ill. Although we scoured all of the medical handbooks we were given we were unable to find advice for short-term ceaseless vomiting. I did call the PCMO and she recommended O.R.S. and said to call her if the symptoms persisted after three days. Rest assured that I never would have compromised my health or security by concealing my location if I had been given any reason to believe that I was suffereing from anything more sever or treatable than a common gastro-intestinal problem.
So where do we go from here? I know your path and that in some ways your hands are tied on this issue but that you are ultimately the decision-maker in this situation. I am happily settled in my new homestead. I have a wonderful relationship with a motivated counterpart. Now that we are past our intergratino period I know that I can get mental health breaks as needed as will follow the proper Peace Corps protocol for doing so in terms of notificaion. The bottom line for me is that I am invested in my community, have already established good working relationships with NGOs, and feel that I can work effectively within the Peace Corps Program. I am not trying to avoid the fact that I knew I had one last chance and blew it by visiting my friend again. I am also not trying to use the sad situation surrounding my motivation to visit her as leverage. I take full responsibility for that last infraction. I simply want you to give a more attentive look into the issues surrounding the inital "strikes" and how they would have been affected by more thorough and professional mental health monitoring and prompt administrative support on the homestead issue.
Again, nobody can make it through the experience alone. Id' be really grateful if you could help me continue being an effective volunteer in this country by giving me permission to remain with the program.
Colin McAuliffe
Posted by colin at November 8, 2005 02:06 PM